Love Code
by Ukaisha
Summary: Kouji's been obsessed with Takuya for years, but never in love. Besides, he's had a girlfriend for six years. Love just wasn't possible. But one stupid mistake opens the door to a thousand more, and it could ruin their lives. What do they really want?
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: The author does not take stake or claim on any characters mentioned.  
A/N: When I started writing this, I became determined to keep it at a Teen level of writing. I haven't written something like this for a long time.  
This is one of my Experiments. I wanted to further experiment into the realms of het using a pairing I only-sorta-kinda-liked, I wanted to experiment with psychological turmoil that actually stemmed from something not very strange, and I wanted to experiment in style.  
As of writing this, I am determined that Kouji will never have a spoken part in the story, even though it's written in his point of view. Every other character will speak but him. Kouji will tell you that he is speaking, of course, but if I can pull it off, Kouji will never have quotations around any of his words.  
Intriguing, isn't it?  
_  
_

_Love code_

I was extremely attached to Takuya.  
Weirdest choice of words ever, right? Why not say, I really like Takuya. Or, Takuya and I are best friends. Or, Takuya and I sort of love each other in a platonic way.  
Well, it's because we're kind of all of those things, and at the same time, we're none of those things. I have an extreme attachment to Takuya. Sometimes, I feel like I'm his best friend. Sometimes, I feel like I'm an annoyance. Sometimes, I feel like I'm more than a friend to him. A lot more. Big time more.  
But that wasn't possible. Takuya wasn't gay. How did I know for sure? He had a girlfriend. He'd had this girlfriend since we were thirteen, and six years later, their relationship was still going strong. They did everything the normal couple does with each other. They kissed and baby talked to each other, they got each other presents for no apparent reason, and sometimes they needed to be left alone to deal with...personal matters. Extremely personal bedroom matters. They were obviously very happy. The perfect couple.  
I knew. I'd known Izumi as long as I'd known Takuya; I felt when Izumi was happy as keen as I felt every one of Takuya's emotions.  
The odd thing? I wasn't jealous in the slightest. I didn't care that Takuya was with Izumi, and I didn't care that they were a couple. I wasn't attached to Takuya in that way.

I was attached to Takuya in the way that a samurai defends his shogun. I must always protect him, and I must always be sure that he was never hurt. I must always stand in front of anything that ever brought harm to him, and nothing, nothing, would ever make Takuya cry. This was my sworn duty. In the Digital World, it was easy to uphold to that duty. I saved him again and again without even slightly considering the possibility that my life would be ruined. In the Real World, (how strange that I think of Real World in capital letters, as though it were a strange and mysterious land, like the Digital World?) it was a lot harder. I purposely nudged my father into taking a different position that would land us within blocks of Takuya's home, and left me to his school rather than a prestigious private school. I purposely took classes far below my intellect so that four of seven of them would be spent with Takuya. And I followed him around as much as I could possibly manage with him and Izumi practically hanging off of each other like the sitcom pair of lovers that they were.  
Sometimes Takuya got angry that I hung over him like I did, watching him like a hawk.  
Sometimes he was flattered, but patiently tried to push me away, as one would peel a clinging child's arms off of their leg.  
Sometimes a little spark appeared in his eye. I was curious as to what that spark was, but I never asked.

Takuya attended Kyoto University. Izumi followed him along. I was accepted to Keio University, a marvelous feat on my end considering I had taken very few advanced courses in order to stay with Takuya. My father was adamant that I go specifically to that university; it was a university of the prestige. It was among the highest ranked schools in the world, and in addition to being one of the oldest in Japan, it was arguably THE best in Japan. But it was far away from Takuya. I couldn't allow that; how was I supposed to protect him when I was hundreds of miles away from him? What if something happened to him and, in his only major moment of need, I was not there to save him? More than once I attempted to drop myself off of their list, but more than once my efforts were thwarted by my father. I understood his concern. He recognized how far I was willing to let myself drop to stand by Takuya's side, and in his own way, he was trying to protect me, too, before I let myself fall too low.  
But I couldn't allow that.  
Takuya needed me to protect him. I wasn't entirely sure what he needed me to protect him from; we were far away from the Digital World with its wars and battles and vicious villains. But there was this overwhelming NEED to be by Takuya's side, and to be his protector. I would throw myself in front of a bullet for Takuya without a moment's hesitation.  
I didn't love him. I had just sworn to protect him. I was loyal to him. I was devoted to him. I had agreed to a strict, bushido-like code to always stand by him, and if I didn't, I couldn't forgive myself.  
And Takuya couldn't understand this. He thought I pined after him when all I wanted to do was stand at his side like a guard dog and protect him from everything. Sometimes I forgot he wasn't just a hot-headed little boy anymore; he was a, fairly, level-headed man. Surprisingly, he'd ended up very logical. He saw that I went out of my way to be with him as often as I could, and he took it as an advance on him. His defense against this: hold out the arm that Izumi was holding onto, as if waving the fact that he had a girlfriend in my face would make me less obsessed with protecting him.  
Truthfully, I'd never even considered us being a couple. I'd never had explicit dreams about him and I'd never thought of us interacting in that way. I didn't care if he loved me, and I didn't care if he had a girlfriend. I would protect him no matter what. I was devoted to him. I was his samurai.  
If Izumi was jealous of me, she never showed it. She never treated me any differently. I was always a second brother to her, and she was a dear sister to me...until she and Takuya started making faces at each other and she sort of demoted herself to an obedient little woman submitting to her man. Izumi was headstrong and still an in-your-face kind of girl, until it came to Takuya. I don't know if it's because she recognized that Takuya was a little sexist and she didn't want to lose him because of that, or if love really did just do strange things to your personality. With me, she was her ordinary free-as-the-wind personality. With Takuya, she was just the girl on his arm.  
I swear. I never wanted to be in love if I ever came to acting like that. I respect Izumi very much because, for a girl, she is very independent and a hell of a person to have on your side. And like I said; I liked her. I didn't care that she was with Takuya as long as she made him happy. But my respect for her kind of dwindled at those moments.

I did attend Keio, far away from Takuya. Four hours away by train, as a matter of fact. For weeks I could barely eat, sleep, or work; I was obsessed with seeing Takuya and making sure he was okay. I ran up huge bills on my cell-phone by calling him as often as I could, though eventually I stopped when I realized Takuya purposely put my calls through to voice-mail, where he could delete them guilt-free. I instant messaged him on the computer, and usually, he just didn't respond, or after a few minutes or conversation, he'd suddenly have to go.  
Sometimes, Izumi answered those messages. I didn't ask why she was in his room. She didn't ask why I had this overwhelming need to talk to her boyfriend every few hours.  
Our friendship was practically disintegrated. The best friend I'd ever had, the one I would've killed to protect knowing that he would kill in return for me, was almost gone. Izumi gently suggested that I stop obsessing over Takuya; not because she was jealous, but because she had to deal with his agitation at me when he saw my name on his cell-phone. Even she thought I was pining over him like a love-sick puppy.  
It wasn't that I loved him; I can't stress that enough. I just needed to BE there for him. There WAS a difference. The feeling I had for him was purely loyalty and devotion. I had to protect him. The need was so strong that it was burning a fire in my stomach. Even with him angry at me, even with him trying to get away from me, even with him breaking off our communications and trying to annihilate this friendship, I needed to protect him. I was possessed by the need to make him happy. Inside, a portion of me said, he's happy when you're not around. If you want him to be happy, you would leave him alone.  
I tried to fall into that mindset. I tried to wake up and think: Okay, let's focus on "blank" today. Inevitably, "blank" always ended up being Takuya. I didn't know how else to live. Trying to live without thinking about Takuya sort of made me stare in wonder for a moment, like I had no purpose in life and wasn't sure what direction to take when I actually tried not thinking about Takuya. My mind was sort of empty and I didn't even know what to do with myself. Samurai probably felt the same way back in the old days; when a lord died, those who had sworn themselves to him committed suicide, and if they didn't, they became a ronin, a lost soul without a master.  
I didn't love Takuya. He was just my purpose in life. Without him, I was useless, and instead of a samurai, I was just another ronin.  
So you understand why I took such great lengths to be with him. I certainly didn't WANT to feel useless.  
I was away from Takuya for a year. It was hell. I skipped most of my classes because I had absolutely no desire to work; I just wanted to sit in my room and mope. I was falling apart. I NEEDED to be with Takuya. I didn't care if he didn't even look at me or if I had to trail along behind him like we weren't even friends; I just had to be near him.  
Even now, when I could barely function without him, I could honestly say that I still didn't love him. This had nothing to do with love; it just had to do with my code.  
I had three weeks off from Keio. Just a measly three weeks. I rented an apartment near Kyoto University. I would only use it for two and a half weeks, but the shortest lease they would rent it to me for was six months. I took it without hesitation.  
I called Takuya repeatedly to let him know I was in town. He ignored me. I tried to pinpoint him and figure out where he was, but I couldn't. He didn't want me to find him. My heart ached; everything in my body was SCREAMING at me that I had to be with Takuya! Something would happen, and I'd need to be there for him! Somehow! It was unacceptable that I couldn't see him!  
But it was ridiculous that the person I was fighting hardest against for this right was the person I wanted to see himself.  
Why did Takuya want to ignore me? Was it just so easy for him to give up our friendship? Sure, I was overprotective. I was his samurai. What else was I to do? I left him and Izumi alone, and I never threatened their relationship. It's not like I prevented him from experiencing daily life. I wasn't so protective that I wouldn't let him have fun in life. Why would he refuse to see me?  
The truth was clear: he just didn't want to be around me.  
I couldn't take it. I was going to force him to face me.

Takuya lived on-campus. Because of this, Izumi also lived on-campus, though she had the option not to. Apparently they practically shared a room together, though officially they did live in completely separate dorms.  
I applied as a visitor. I got a little sticker with a smiley face that said I was visiting.  
I found out Takuya's room number, and when I got there, I knocked once. When he didn't answer, I just walked in. Takuya didn't need privacy as much as he needed me to protect him.  
It occasionally occurred to me that this was why Takuya wanted to break it off with me.  
Just walking into his room made Takuya extremely angry. He and Izumi were getting intimate, and I'd interrupted this.  
I didn't care. I wouldn't bother them while they were in bed; I'd just wait until they were finished, and then we could talk. If that meant standing off to the side, even in the same room, while they were together, I wouldn't care. I'd be content just standing next to him, and wouldn't even acknowledge that they were getting close.  
I'm aware I have an extremely low threshold for intimacy. I get it. Normal people place an extremely high value on sex. I don't. It's pathetically obvious. When I was younger and boys my age blushed at movies in which the main characters suddenly were getting hot and heavy on-screen, I'd just be staring blankly at them, wondering what the fuss was about.  
As a result, I didn't back off when I realized they were getting close. I just stood there, fully prepared to wait until they were done.  
When it became clear that I wasn't leaving, Takuya pulled me off to the side, out of the room, and out of earshot from Izumi. He held me by my collar and spoke angrily at me, but I knew he'd never hurt me. He'd just rage at me until I made some motion that I was hearing him. But I didn't hear him. I just stared blankly at him until he eventually calmed down. When he let me go, he tried to laugh at himself.  
"If you're my best friend, sometimes I scare myself thinking about what my enemies must be like."  
And I gently laughed with him. Not because I thought it was funny, but because Takuya was laughing, and that usually indicated that he was happy. When Takuya was happy, I was happy.  
My mind is remarkably complex, but my needs are incredibly simple. I didn't care if Takuya hated my guts; as long as he was safe and happy, I was content.  
If he is not happy, I must fight and fight until he is.  
Even I realize how pathetic I am sometimes.  
"Listen...can you leave us alone for a while? Just for a while? Tell me where I can find you, and I'll come visit in a bit. We probably are way over-due for a talk. Remember how we used to sit off to the side of everyone else and discuss stuff? Battle plans, theories, strategies, whatever? We'll do that, alright? Just leave us alone for now."  
And I did. I informed him of where he could find me. He promised he would come over, soon. He couldn't come soon enough. As it turned out, he almost didn't come at all. Days passed. I sat uselessly in my unfurnished apartment, sort of staring blankly at the walls as I waited for him to come to me, wondering if he'd lied to me. Surely he wouldn't just let me sit here, right? He was my friend. He knew how strongly I felt about him. I was possessed by the urge to see him; I couldn't believe it was taking him so long to come to me. Was he punishing me by making me wait? Did he think I should suffer for a few days because I'd walked in on him and Izumi?  
Did he not realize how much I'd already suffered, and that this was absolute torture?  
Being hundreds of miles away from Takuya could make the need understand. I physically can't be near Takuya. It will accept that as an excuse. To be within a few miles of him was intolerable.  
I needed him. I scared myself with how much I needed him. I didn't even need that much of him; if he would just let me tag along with him and Izumi on a date somewhere, I was content enough with that. I just needed to keep him in my sight. I needed to know he was safe. I needed to know he was happy. I needed to see him.

I eventually did hear a knock at my door. It had been six days, nearly a week, since Takuya had promised to come see me. I'd been waiting almost motionless for all six of those days for him to come; it was disturbing how lifeless I was without him.  
It disturbed me how I swelled with happiness when I saw him just beyond the doorway when I opened it. And it disturbed me the way he was looking at me. He had the spark in his eye.  
"I'm sorry it took me so long to see you," he apologized. I just hustled him in, absolutely thrilled beyond measure to see him. Takuya himself seemed to have gotten over whatever issues he had with me, and instead, reverted back to his joking, playful nature.  
"Some place you got here," he teased. "It's like the Taj Mahal."  
There was almost nothing in the apartment. It had been extremely cheaply furnished by the previous tenant, and I was barely living it in enough to make a difference.  
The only place to sit was the bed.  
At first, it just brought back old memories of our boyhood when we'd slept over at each other's houses. We'd sit on each other's beds, facing each other head on, solving all the world's problems. Like we used to do back in the Digital World. Like in those sleep overs, Takuya sat on the edge of the bed, staring at the wall that was at the head of the bed. I took my position at the head, staring back at him. He smirked. Because he smirked, I smirked.  
"Well, we're a pair, aren't we?" he laughed. "Two regular philosophers. Aristotle and Socrates. Yet we don't talk about the stuff we used to anymore."  
I gently reminded him of his refusal to talk to me at all. I wasn't angry; I was just nudging him to remember that if I had my way, we would be in contact constantly. He shrugged, sheepishly.  
"You're a little intimidating. You just sort of hang over me like...like an ominous cloud. Sometimes I don't really know what to do about you. All you say is that you want to protect me."  
I tried to explain everything to him. I tried to explain to Takuya that I was his samurai, and anything I'd do for him. I tried to explain to him that I would do anything, anything, to make him happy.  
"And that's what makes me wonder. Is there an alternative reason for your motives?"  
I didn't know. I'd never loved Takuya. I'd just felt this overwhelming need to be with him as often as was humanly possible. It was a sick need. But I needed it just the same. He just nodded, a little absently. He was staring intently at me.  
"And you'd do anything that would make me happy, right?"  
I almost felt like impatiently smacking him. Of course, of course I would do anything to make him happy. Anything. Who cares about me; as long as Takuya was happy, I was expendable.  
"Then will you allow me to experiment with something? And will you swear to never, ever tell anyone?" He paused. "My livelihood would be at stake if you did."  
Exactly the right words to say, and I knew that he knew it. Tell on Takuya's secret? When it could put his life in jeopardy?  
Unthinkable.  
"Then...just sit there. Don't freak out, okay? I'm not even really sure why I'm doing this."

Takuya fell forward on his hands and knees. He crawled to me on the bed. Suddenly, he was kissing me.  
He was kissing me.  
Let's not forget that he's got a girlfriend of six years not two miles away. Let's not forget that he's not gay and he's been trying to shake me off of him for years. Let's not forget he's admitted, on more than one occasion, that I annoy the crap out of him.  
Yet he was kissing me. For real. I didn't know how to respond. I just obeyed him; I didn't move. I didn't kiss him back either; I wasn't sure if I should. I wasn't sure if I could. Intimacy was just not apart of my makeup. I didn't know how to react. I wasn't embarrassed; just a little confused.  
"Does it bother you?" Takuya was red. He wanted more; he wanted to go further. Something was bugging me about this; Izumi. I felt horrible for her. She'd never know. I'd sworn to protect Takuya's secret. Takuya would never tell her. I was going behind her back. She was one of my best friends; I hated the idea of deceiving her.  
I hated the idea of ending Takuya's happiness even more.  
He pushed me down into my bed. He liked that. I didn't move until Takuya encouraged me to move. I'd never thought about having sex with him or anyone else before. I was completely awkward, and he was a pro; a well-oiled machine; perfectly at ease. I let him use me not because I wanted to be used by him, but because it obviously made him happy to use me.  
I'd even give up my body for him. There was nothing I wouldn't do for him. I still didn't love him. I was just adhering to my code.  
It took over an hour to wear him out. I wasn't sure if I felt content or not; I'd never experienced this type of well-being before. In the part of my brain where I usually did all of my thinking, I was extremely happy. Takuya was lying next to me, holding me in his arms. He was happy; he was smiling. He was bursting with good feelings. This satisfied that part of my brain; it had nothing to do with what we'd just done.  
But something else was awakening in my mind. It had exploded into being as I had exploded into feeling just moments ago; it was like being plunged into a cold bath and being given a wake-up call. It was something that had probably always been there, I'd just never taken the time out of my life to recognize it.  
I'd told myself for years that I didn't love Takuya. I just wanted to protect him. I was his best friend, his confidant, and his aid in any battle he faced. It wasn't true. I did love him. The feeling was very small, very fragile, and very raw. But it was there: undying love for the man next to me. It had just never surfaced until we'd really connected by what we'd just done...by actually, really, making love. I couldn't even believe I was thinking that. I'd just made love to Takuya.  
It was a huge self-awakening.  
All too soon, he was getting out of my bed. He looked irritated at himself. He looked irritated at me. My brain put me into super-protective-mode; something was causing Takuya to fret. Whatever was causing his ill at ease behavior must be stopped immediately.  
"I don't know why I did that," he finally said in a rush. He looked afraid. "I just...I don't know. I figured you sort of loved me, and I was starting to think, you know, maybe somehow I loved you too. That's why I stopped talking to you; I didn't want that love to expand and overwhelm my feelings for Izumi. I love you, but I love Izumi more. Do you understand?"  
No, I didn't understand. To me, this sex had been sacred. He'd just admitted that he loved me.  
"I did that because I was trying to prove to myself that I didn't love you, and that I'd be repulsed at the idea of sex with you. But...it felt really good. Even better than it usually does with Izumi. But I can't...I just can't do that. I love Izumi, not you."  
This complicated mess didn't matter to me. I'd realized that I loved him. Coupled with how defensive I was towards him, it was intolerable.  
"I'm sorry if I got up any of your hopes. Please Kouji, please don't hate me. It was totally wrong of me to do that. I love you, but not in THAT way. I can't cheat on Izumi; I love her. Can't you just understand that? I love her in the way you love me. I can't let this happen again."  
My dedication to Takuya could not be compared to their relationship. But it was clear to me: Izumi made Takuya happy. He was happier with her than he was with me.  
So I forgave him. I let him go. I didn't expect him to do anything else to take us farther in the "relationship" the newly formed part of my mind was imagining. I was so much more comfortable with the idea of making Takuya happy than I was with the idea of actually being in love with him, and so that part of my brain took over. It overwhelmed the fragile part of me that was in love with him.  
I let him go. Because it made him happy. He stopped panicking and he was calm; he even smiled. Just like that, just by doing that simple little action, I'd made him so much happier.  
And that was the most important thing in my life. It didn't matter if he'd just made love to me and had awoken these feelings of love and turmoil in me. I would do anything it took to make Takuya happy.  
And so I let him go.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Oh dear; what will poor Kouji do now?  
Like the story? Interested in the naughty action that happens between these two that isn't described? Be sure to look for a high-rated version; browse through my profile to find the link to my "X" rated stories. To keep this at a low rating, I've removed some of the more...detailed...parts of it.  
You can enjoy it just fine without those parts x3 I just know some people.  
Enjoy.

_Love Code_

If Takuya loved or even liked me any more than he did before we made love, he didn't show it, though he did allow me to come near him again. If having sex with me changed his feelings for Izumi at all, he didn't show it. I sort of tagged along on a little date he and Izumi went on; they hung all over each other like they usually did while making lovey-dovey faces at each other, and sometimes they forgot I was even there. It was fine. I was just content to be around Takuya. Love him? Have a relationship with him? Psshaw; what did I need that for? Nothing made me happier than a happy Takuya.  
And to Takuya, happiness obviously meant Izumi. I could see it in his eyes. They had lost their spark for me: their warmth was all on her.  
Who was I to say otherwise?  
We went out on our own a few times, without Izumi. We just went to hang out as buddies, like we used to. It was kind of nice. He didn't try to get me to stop clinging to him or stop being protective towards him, and he didn't mention what had happened. That was just a fluke; it was nothing to be discussed. And if Takuya didn't want to discuss it, why would I make him uncomfortable in bringing it up?  
It was time for me to leave. Takuya actually said goodbye to me, and said that he would miss me. There was no spark in his eye when he said this. Izumi gave me a hug and said she was sorry we couldn't hang out more often; Keio University was just sort of out of the way for them to visit. I was never more tempted to drop out of college than at that point. I already had the apartment; what was stopping me from just skipping my train ride back to Keio and just settling down here? I'd find some kind of job that would pay the bills, and I was a pretty simple guy to get along. I could live in a relatively unfurnished home for a pretty serious amount of time if needed. After all, separated from Takuya, I was practically a ronin.  
I didn't know what to do.  
So I just left before Takuya got angry at me again. He swore he would keep in touch with me, and that what happened before wouldn't happen again. So I just left him with his girlfriend as they lived a wonderful love dream while they looked at each other with eyes that shone with brilliance.  
So I just left.

Izumi had said it would be impossible for them to visit because Keio was so far away. Obviously, her will to see me was not nearly as strong as my dedication to seeing Takuya.  
My schedule was crammed to make up for all the stuff I'd been putting off or had been dropping out of. I was getting back in gear: I was a productive person. I couldn't continue putting off all of my work like I'd been doing. If someone says, Kouji, do this work, I just say, alright. It doesn't matter how difficult it is: I do it. I work. To actually not to the work was more stressful than actually doing it.  
The only day I had off was Sunday.  
At three a.m. I was on the train to Kyoto.  
At seven a.m. I was in my apartment.  
By eight a.m. I had my little smiley sticker.  
And by nine a.m., I was following Takuya everywhere he went. I stalked him. He never noticed me, which was obviously for the better. He usually didn't have class on Sundays, and he usually didn't work, either. Apparently, he had a flexible schedule. Usually, he and Izumi went places. Takuya had honestly spoken the truth; his love for Izumi was sincere, I could see that clearly. The tender, fragile part of my brain that had begun to question the purity of my dedication to Takuya was overwhelmed by the straight fact that he and Izumi were in love. Eyes didn't lie. Even if Takuya loved me in some way, he didn't love me nearly as much as he did Izumi. I could never picture us baby talking to each other and calling each other pet names in public and kissing and hugging and doing everything they did. It was a long, long day every time I realized that this Sunday would be spent watching them make sickeningly sappy faces at each other.  
By eleven p.m., I was on the train back to Minato.  
By one o'clock a.m., I was in my room.  
And I would sit there until ten o'clock when I had to go to class the next day.  
I would sit there thinking about what had happened that night. I would sit there wondering if I wanted it to happen again, or if I really was content just running around behind Takuya's back, stalking him like I did. The strict code I adhered to would not allow me to force Takuya to make the choice between me or Izumi; while I knew for certain that he would choose Izumi, I knew it would still cause him pain. To cause Takuya pain was unimaginable.  
That had been a fluke. The sex that I considered sacred was a fluke; a one night stand; a kid's experiment. It would never happen again.  
Months had passed. I'd suffered through a birthday; I was now twenty.  
I crammed for weeks until I finagled my schedule to give me a full three days off. Short of selling your soul to the devil himself, attending such a prestigious school as Keio was like living in Hell. Most students were too serious to take even one day off, which I did every week, but three in a row? Everyone was too polite to say anything, but I was practically the laugh of the school.  
I'll tell you right now: I won't be graduating anywhere near the top of my class.  
The second I confirmed my days off, I was on the train to Kyoto. The moment I arrived in my lame little apartment, I was on the phone with Takuya. The second he confirmed I was there, and alone, he came over.  
I told myself we were just going to talk. Takuya loved Izumi. He'd never cheat on her, and he'd never do anything that would cause her pain.  
Takuya was cheerful, so I was cheerful. He gave no indication that we were anything but friends, and so I gave no insinuation that I was expecting anything different. We talked like the old buddies we were for hours; we even went out for an hour or two and got take-out. Takuya was still a few months off from the legal drinking age, but I wasn't, and we picked up a few beers. We got a little drunk, just for the hell of it. It was nice; it was kind of like a date. My protective samurai brain was soothed by the fact that I was near Takuya and protecting him, and it allowed the other, timid part of my mind to expand.  
It was dark by the time we arrived back at my apartment. We were carrying the leftovers of our meal in plastic bags, and we were laughing. Takuya was laughing because he was still a little drunk and he'd just said something mildly amusing; I was laughing because he was laughing, and his smile was like laughing gas to me. As I opened the door and reached for a light, I felt Takuya's hand on my shoulder. I grew totally stiff.  
"Can you keep a secret, Kouji?" I heard him ask behind me. "If you told anyone, my life would be destroyed."  
Destroy Takuya's life?  
Unforgivable.

We went to bed together again. Takuya had given absolutely no hint that this would happen later on, and as far as I knew, it had been a spur of the moment decision. No interaction between him and Izumi had changed; there were no arguments, no problems in the relationship that I could see, and there didn't seem to be anything wrong. There was nothing that would make Takuya want to cheat on Izumi when he had the perfect set-up going on.  
But he was. With me. What do I call myself? A mistress? I was Takuya's mistress?  
He was even more passionate this time than he'd been the first time, and I was still raw, inexperienced, and sensitive to every touch and change of position. As before, after he'd finished, he shied away from me. He apologized; he didn't know what had come over him. He was probably still a little drunk, that's all. And I'd promised that I'd keep his secret, right? It was our little secret. And it would never happen again.  
There was a spark in his eye as he looked down at me, still naked on my bed. Eyes don't lie.  
I quickly got dressed when he left, and I followed him back to his dormitory. I still had my little smiley stickers from all the other times I'd visited; I just stuck one on and no one gave me a second look. I hid out in a hallway off to the side of his room until I saw him sneaking out of his room, and I followed him until he arrived at Izumi's dorm. He closed the door. I heard him lock it. I heard them talk for twenty or thirty minutes; nothing angry was said. Everything was a normal conversational tone, and every so often, I heard him say "Kouji." I figured that Izumi had asked how the night was, and he was reiterating everything that we'd done, save for our little secret. Out of no where, I started hearing rustling, breathing, and intimate sounds.  
He had sex with me, and then came back and had sex with her.  
It was confusing.  
_Was _he still a little drunk? Or had he just not been satisfied with me? Was he trying to make it up to himself? Did he think, "Okay, I cheated on Izumi once, but I'll make it up to her by giving her really great sex this time?"  
I didn't know what he thought.  
But judging by the sounds inside, he was happy.  
And so I let him be happy. I told myself that no matter what, that would be the last time. Takuya would never do it again, and I should never expect it out of him. Never mind the spark in his eye; he wasn't yours to claim, Kouji, that's all I told myself.  
He came to me again that night, that very same night. Sometime around three or four, he knocked on my door. Of course I was awake: I was thinking about him. The moment I saw him, and the moment he saw me, he put both of his hands on my shoulders and drilled into me with his eyes.  
"Can you keep a secret, Kouji?"  
Boy, could I keep a secret.

He actually had the nads to explain himself to me during the sex. Here I am, trying to think about how good it feels, and he's talking about how he's not REALLY cheating on Izumi; he's just experimenting. He's been in that relationship for six years, and in order to make sure she really was the right girl, he had to make sure he wasn't missing out on something. That was all. It wasn't just me; he'd been to a few strip clubs, too. He was just experimenting and testing the ice.  
He actually said this while we were making love. I tried to make noises that would drown out his voice, but he simply raised it each time I cried louder. I tried to silence myself after I realized that he wouldn't back down, and then I realized that those loud cries were real.  
Takuya left almost immediately afterwards. He apologized again; he wouldn't do it anymore. Honest. He still loved Izumi; he didn't want to cheat on her. He already felt bad enough, and there was no way he could keep this up.  
This would be the last time. He swore it.  
I cut my vacation short and went back to Keio the next day; I told myself I had a lot of work to do and shouldn't put it off. I didn't see him again until Sunday. By then, I was desperate to see him again. Whether or not I had been the accessory in something unforgivable between couples, I still had the urge to see him. I was still devoted to him, and I could not force myself to be away from him anymore.  
I called him as I always did. He came over immediately. As soon as I opened my door, he asked, "Can you keep a secret, Kouji?"  
He must have gotten worried at the look on my face; I was certainly uncomfortable now. He was cheating on Izumi. She loved him and he loved her just as plain as the nose on my face, yet he was cheating on her. Repeatedly. But he just had to add afterwards:  
"It would make me very happy."  
It was all he had to say. I practically threw myself at him.

This happened almost every Sunday from then on. Some days he had work; some days he had school; some days he had Izumi. I still followed them around. They still made faces at each other and called each other pet names whispered in baby talk and they kissed each other at least once every fifteen minutes. They still went to bed together, and they sometimes practically did it in public places; you never realize how much is hidden in a dark movie theater until you know where to look and what you're looking for. Takuya showered, even drenched Izumi in affection, as though he simply couldn't bear the thought of not having her. They were the perfect couple. You would never suspect that every Sunday, the man who treated his dear, sweet honey-girl with so much love and affection would visit his best friend, alone, in a secluded apartment, and after asking a simple question, "Can you keep a secret?" he would turn into a demon. I had no experience with any other type of lover, but he was outrageously passionate. Almost enough to make me forget how much he was in love with Izumi, (how could he love her that much when he put so much energy into using me?) and that he was just taking me those nights for reasons unknown.  
He explained it to me every single time afterwards. "Don't get the wrong idea; I'm still in love with Izumi."  
Then why was he with me when he could have her? Was she not willing to do it as often as he wanted?  
"That's not it...it's really great with Izumi. I really like it. And I still love her. I'm sorry Kouji, but I just don't love you that way. I don't. I honestly don't. I don't know…but it doesn't matter. It's just our little secret, right Kouji?"  
Of course it was. Of course.  
I was torn inside. I wanted to tell Izumi that Takuya was cheating on her; after all, she was my friend too. I really liked her and I'd feel ashamed of myself of she found out later, and she became upset. But I didn't like her as much as I did Takuya. I still didn't love him either, I told myself. How could I? Falling in love with someone didn't mean having rampant sex with them; that was just something that happened in poorly constructed love stories. Let him live his double-life. It made him happy, and who was I to end that happiness? Telling on Takuya would mean ruining his life. I wasn't willing to do that.

One Sunday, Takuya came to me mid-afternoon. He asked me if I could keep a secret, and the second the words were out of his mouth, he tackled me to the floor. We did it there; we couldn't even get to my bed. We lay on the floor, panting and crying out happily with each other, and suddenly, randomly, right in the middle of it all, Takuya said to me,  
"Izumi's pregnant. We're going to have a baby."  
What was I supposed to say? Congratulations? Good for you? Let's break open the wine?  
Of course, I couldn't say anything anyway. I was too busy doing other things, like moaning.  
"We found out this morning; she bought one of those little stick test thingies when she realized she was somewhere between a month and a half to two months late for her period." He paused as he caught his breath. He looked like his head was spinning. "Izumi doesn't want to abort it; she wants to keep it. I told her I had no problem with that."  
I think I might've finally managed to grind out a weak congratulation, but then he struck me again; he was carrying a double-edged blade.  
"We think it's in our best interests to get married. It's not strictly because of the baby that we're getting married; we've been talking about it for a few months, so it's not like we're forcing ourselves and sucking it up or anything. Her parents would probably flip out if they found out she was pregnant without a husband; we can just pretend that we didn't know about it until afterwards, and hopefully that'll soften the blow. The wedding's going to be in two or three weeks; no later than a month. She wants it to be Italian style, and she wanted to have it in Florence, but we're just having it here with her Italian theme, and then we'll go visit Florence for a few days."  
Moaning. Moaning. I had to block out his voice. Couldn't he tell me this afterwards? Did he not understand the idea of "bad timing"?  
"_Qué Magnifico_, huh Kouji?"  
And then he asked me, during the three seconds I didn't want him to say absolutely anything, where all I wanted was for him to make me feel good, he asked me, "Can you be the child's godfather, and my best man?"  
I had a few choice words for him. I wanted to swear at him and lash out at him and yell at him for putting me in this position. He knew my code! He knew I had no choice but to listen to him. And I was going to. The timid little part of my brain had swelled and had gained independence from the part of me that couldn't bear to see him unhappy or upset, and I was about to tell him how it really was with me when he added, "It would make me so happy, especially if you came to the wedding. I can't tell you how happy it would make me to have you there. That day will be the best day of my life, Kouji, and Izumi's. I'd be so upset if you didn't come. It would ruin the whole day."  
He was a selfish, self-centered, conniving, and girlfriend-cheating bastard. He knew my code. He knew exactly what to say to shut me up and to make me perfectly willing to comply.  
And I knew he knew it. I knew that he knew exactly what to say, and I knew that he was manipulating me the same way he was manipulating Izumi to never even guess what was going on between us.  
But I said yes, because he was right. How could I ruin what could easily be the best day of his life? I knew how in love he was with Izumi, and I knew how important a wedding was. An unhappy groom makes an unhappy bride makes an unhappy couple. An unhappy couple makes an unhappy marriage, and most of all, an unhappy marriage raises unhappy children.  
This wasn't just about a pair of high-school sweethearts. They were having a baby. A child. What would happen if I threw a fit and tried to steal Takuya away because of my own sick attachment to him? What if I did reveal to Izumi about what went on with Takuya and me? What if they broke up before the child was born and he was born a bastard child, or worse, if they did get married, and then suffered a divorce? I knew the pain.  
It would be my fault.  
It was inconceivable.  
He finished. He quickly got up and fixed himself; he'd only left to come ask me in person, and Izumi was expecting him back almost immediately. I just lay on the floor, torn between the two extremes of happiness and sorrow.  
He asked me again. He needed to report back to Izumi and tell her for sure. Was I positive? I had no problem with this?  
The irony of his question was that there was no choice, and he knew it. There wasn't another option. I couldn't break my code, even if it made me a ronin. Even if Takuya never looked at my face again, (how could he when he had a wife and a baby to consider?) it was worth it, just to make him happy.  
This one day would set the course for the rest of his life, and at the same time, it determined my fate.  
What choice did I have but to make it as happy a day as I could?


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: The author takes absolutely no stake or claim on any characters mentioned.  
Author Note: Third chapter is the middle point, and hopefully will be finished by either the next or fifth chapter, with the possibility of a sequel.  
By the way, if you see this story appear on mediaminer org under the name Puppeh, that's also me. mm's just where I upload my stories in a...dirtier...fashion. A lot of sexings were taken out here, yess...  
Remember to review. It makes me feel like I own the world. A world owned by me would be most impressive; yes it would.

_Love Code_

Takuya was close to bursting with euphoria. As a result, I was constantly in a good mood, despite the situation. Lighten up, my brain said! Takuya is happy! Takuya is ecstatic! What reason do you have to be unhappy when he's just so glad?  
Yet, there was a conflict of interest. For the first time, the one thing that made Takuya happiest made me miserable, and I almost couldn't bring myself to accept it. I prayed, I begged to any benevolent god out there to please, let something happen. Cancel the wedding; let the test have been wrong; anything.  
A week passed. Takuya hadn't touched me, but he'd informed me that Izumi had been to a real doctor to confirm the pregnancy; it was definite. She was pregnant. And as much as I hate to say it, that child...that child ruined everything.  
Everything.  
The fact that Izumi was pregnant stole even the slightest chance that Takuya may ever possibly, conceivably leave her for me. I knew he loved me somehow, and that "love" part of my brain was expanding so rapidly, it was consuming my mind. It was possible that eventually, Takuya would have taken me over her. Eventually. It may have taken a few years, but as long as all that stood between me and Takuya was Izumi, I was sure he would choose me at some point.  
But not with the baby. The baby set everything in stone. Takuya might leave his girlfriend if things weren't working out, but his CHILD? Never. He was a natural born father. The idea of having a child, of the person he loved so much giving birth and making him a father, totally changed his outlook on life. He became more dedicated in his studies, and he wasn't as easy to catch in free-time. His little speech about still being a kid at nineteen suddenly seemed completely void; he made a lightning quick transformation into a serious adult, and it was almost hard to recognize him. He got a more solid job with a fixed schedule during any time he knew he had off, and he requested to work extra hours when he found surprise free-time. He dropped some of his humor and took on a more rational approach to life, and he even dressed differently; he didn't dress like a sloppy teenager, he dressed like a proper man aiming for a good spot in life should. He couldn't stop talking about the baby and how he was going to make these huge changes in his life to be more responsible.  
That's great, Takuya, was all I could say to him. That's great. He didn't see me for a week.  
I stayed in my apartment that entire week; forget Keio. Forget life back in Minato. I didn't even have the energy to get out to the train station, and I knew that even if I got there, I wouldn't do any work. I'd just as soon be unproductive here, next to Takuya. If I did manage to get some speaking time with him over the phone or the internet, all he wanted to talk about was his soon-to-be child. He told me about how excited he was to be a father. He never really mentioned the wedding; as far as I knew, he cared minimally about it. The big issue was the baby. The baby!  
It awed him. If Izumi's parents were worried that she was pregnant and hadn't quite settled down yet, they had no fears; Takuya would never leave Izumi's side at this point. As he would have with me, so many years ago, he would throw himself in front of a speeding car, an out-of-control train, or a barrage of bullets to protect this child, and it wasn't even born yet. He was as dedicated to it, and Izumi, as I was to him. I could clearly see that. I was officially a ronin; I had no room in this little family-to-be.  
Except, when it came to Sunday...  
I was asleep. I was dreaming about Takuya, and was half-asleep when the doorbell rang. I thought nothing of it, as I was used to waking up in the middle of the night to find him at my door, but when I saw him standing there, I suddenly couldn't believe it. He looked haggard; he probably hadn't properly slept in days. He was very tired. He'd lost a little weight. His eyes were bloodshot. But he just asked me, as calmly as he always did,  
"Can you keep a secret, Kouji?"  
Our secret. He still wanted to keep our secret, even with a child developing in his fiancé. I desperately wanted our secret to continue, and so of course, I said yes, despite how uncomfortable the situation made me.  
We made love slowly; there was no pounding session tonight. He was too tired.

He didn't talk about Izumi. He didn't talk about the baby. We just made-love, and for that, I was happy. For the first time ever, he lay next to me after we were finished, and he didn't leave just minutes later. We snuggled; we wrapped ourselves around each other and dozed off. He'd been with me for an hour when he finally brought up the things I desperately wanted to pretend didn't exist.  
"Just two weeks, Kouji. Can you believe it? Izumi's...she's on a freakin' CRUSADE." He laughed good-naturedly. I just tried to hide my face into his chest, as if hoping that making my face disappear would cease his need to talk about it. "And her parents still don't know about the baby, though they're taking the wedding well. If Izumi's on a crusade, her mother's leading the European Conquest as Napoleon Bonaparte. Orimoto-san's like...a designing person that designs things or whatever. She's making such big deals about stupid stuff like...colour scheme. Can you imagine a woman freaking out over the precise shade of lavender...in a napkin? It's hilarious. And she's freaking out on me and Izumi for getting married so soon; she's like, you could at least have given it three MONTHS instead of weeks! My parents are afraid to touch the business; they're terrified that absolutely any changes they make to the design will offend Orimoto-san, and anyway, they had a traditional Shinto wedding, not Italian-style, so they don't know what to bother about anyway. The Italians do all this weird stuff at their weddings and it's like some big party rather than something solemn and official. It sounds really fun, actually."  
I scowled; selfishly, I didn't want their wedding to be loads of fun. I couldn't stand imaging how beautiful that day would be, and I hated imagining how happy they would be together. It went against my code, but somehow, it was surprisingly easy to forgive myself for that these days.  
"There's also...aah...a little conflict of religion here. Izumi's mother is Italian, obviously, and is Roman Catholic, and she wants us to be married singing that song. We're still a little iffy on those details, and I think my parents are a little uncomfortable with that idea. Izumi doesn't really seem to care who we're wed by, as long as it's by someone proper; a priest of any background or religion." He sighed. "We're happy her family has decided to take care of it though; doing everything on such short notice is expensive, and Izumi's parents can handle it better than mine."

I nudged into him and ran my hands over his body, trying to find a spot that would set him off and make him want to make love to me again. After a few minutes, he at least got that message. Afterwards, he looked even more exhausted than he had the first time, but it was a pleased, happy exhaustion that sent out pleasant vibes, and as I crawled up into his arms, he was almost immediately asleep.  
He left some time before dawn. I vaguely remember my arms being peeled off of him, but I don't quite remember him leaving. I awoke that morning to an empty spot beside me.

I went back to Keio. I couldn't take it anymore; I couldn't stand sitting in that little hell-hole listening to Takuya rant on and on about how wonderful it was all going to be. He'll marry his beautiful, perfect wife, and in seven or eight months they'll have their beautiful, perfect baby, and eventually he'll get his Masters in business and hit the fast track running towards a REAL career...and his nice little life didn't involve me. Why would it? Takuya wasn't gay, he wasn't cheating on his girlfriend, and we weren't actually making love once a week. This was all just some big, continuous fluke.  
It was a fluke I couldn't stomach anymore. As much as it pained me, as much as it hurt me, I couldn't keep crawling back to him. I knew the time had come for me to make a decision in my life, and I knew that the right answer, the right choice, did not involve Takuya. My father had been pushing that answer on me for years, and even I had seen it right there, blaring in front of my face. God knows how many times Takuya himself tried to get me to pick the right answer.  
I finally did. Sunday came around; I took a few make-up classes. I did a lot of studying. I put in an application at a few places- I needed a job. Scholarships are a great thing, but I'll be damned if they take you all the way.  
Takuya didn't call asking where I was, and I didn't call him to inform him that I wouldn't be there. I just wasn't.  
The next day, he did call me. He missed me because he liked having a submissive object he could just endlessly talk at about his child, and I ignored his calls. I almost couldn't believe what I was doing: _I _was ignoring _his _calls. I was almost surprised at myself. There was something inside me running around like a frantic little cockroach, panicking that I wasn't running straight to Takuya. He needed me! Why wasn't I going?!  
Like a roach, I stomped on it, and squished it to the floor.  
A few of his calls sounded worried; he asked if I was okay, and if anything had happened to me. I couldn't even return these. The protectiveness that had consumed me for most of my life was still there, angrily beating inside of me in the background, but there was a new presence in Kouji now, and that presence was stronger. I was independent. Being _used _by him had opened up my eyes, and I realized that I didn't need Takuya to have a normal life. I could be a productive person without him, and I was certainly a happier person when I wasn't going behind Izumi's back and screwing around with him.

Takuya called me every day, sometimes three or four times. Our roles were switched, and it was kind of humorous. He was the one desperate to get hold of me, and I couldn't help but wonder: for what? What exactly was it that he wanted to talk to me so badly about? His child? Couldn't he discuss his child with other people that weren't me? How about his wife, for one?  
The wedding? It was in a few days, I think; I sort of lost track of the dates. Whether or not Takuya wanted me to be his "Best man," a custom not usual to the traditional Shinto weddings, it did not seem to matter enough to him to bring up. He just wanted to talk to me. He gave no reason. Strangely, I found myself completely drifting away from him, even in thought. While not a few months ago it had simply appalled me to even consider not thinking about Takuya for no more than a few minutes, I now found myself lasting hours at a time without thinking about him. While before it had caused me physical distress to hear him cry, I heard him actually burst into sobs on the answering machine, and it only made me raise a brow.  
Something in my mind was picking at me. It said; you picked a great time to pack it up and grow a little mature, Kouji. Takuya needs you more than ever, and you're abandoning him. That part of me wanted me to fly to the train station and run to him as fast as I could, but the other part of Kouji was firmly rooted, and he stayed put. Going back to Takuya would inevitably lead to more sex, and more fake love. I didn't want that.  
I used to be completely uninterested in sex, but now I pleasured myself like a normal person. I didn't feel sick or disgusted about it, and I didn't feel disturbingly detached from it. I just did it; like I'm sure any other guy my age did it when he wanted to. I didn't care either way anymore. That's one thing I thank Takuya for; he got me over my little sensitivity bump in this area.  
Takuya called me again. Quietly, lowly, he informed me that the wedding would be that Friday, two days from then. He gave me the time and the specifics. He begged me to come. He said he didn't know what he would do if I didn't. He was silent for a long time, just breathing into the phone, and he finally hung up. I erased the message, and pushed the wedding to the back of my mind. Sure, I'd given him my word that I would be there, but what else could I do? He was abandoning me, not the other way around. I didn't know how to deal with pure, utter abandonment. It frightened me. But Takuya's cries, hearing him sob about nothing in particular, about how he just needed to see me...

It happened that night, Thursday night, (or Friday morning if you're technical about that kind of thing) and I was working. I'd developed a sort of mild insomnia. Even at three-thirty at night, I was still awake, typing away at my laptop as I worked on a Literature paper. I drank lots of Mountain Dew to keep me perky in the evenings; I'd never developed a taste for coffee, and the soda curbed my sweet tooth. I was just taking the last swig from my third can when I heard a knock at my door.  
Keep in mind; I'm one of the lucky few who managed to sneak by without being stuck with a roommate in my dorm, plus, it was three-thirty in the morning. I couldn't think of a single person who could possibly be knocking on my door at three-thirty in the morning. No one was stupid enough to try and break into someone's dorm room after-hours at Keio University.  
Except for one.  
I stared down at my laptop, and continued typing. I was actually interested in the subject; _The Tale of Genji_ intrigued me because it was technically about my surname, "Genji" being the Chinese-read characters of "Minamoto" and all. I dropped my empty can into my little wastebasket, and the moment it hit the bottom with a 'Plunk!', that persistent someone knocked again.  
I almost didn't want to answer the door. I wanted to forget about my protective feelings and my little samurai code and everything I felt for Takuya; I wanted to be a serious college student attending the prestigious Keio University who kept a hectic schedule and didn't have much of a social life because of it. For once, I just wanted to be normal.  
"Kouji," I heard him whimper through the door. "Please, let me in. I hear you in there. Please, Kouji."  
His voice was full of despair; he sounded like he'd just finished crying up a flood, and he was ready to keep going. It jerked at my heartstrings, and before I knew it, the old Kouji took over. I practically threw my laptop off my bed and scrambled to the door, where I hastily unlocked it, and flung it open.

Takuya fell into me. My protectiveness went into full-throttle take-down mode; Takuya is upset! Takuya is very upset and very unstable! If someone did this to him, track them down and beat their face in! If a problem he has did this, fix the problem for him! NOTHING must make Takuya unhappy!  
And then I got control of myself. It was incredible how much self-control I'd accumulated since this whole issue started; before, going into Kouji-sniper-mode meant I couldn't control my body beyond breathing and moving my limbs. Now, I could shake off the feeling completely, and could even feel annoyed at Takuya instead of insanely protective.  
"Can you...keep a secret, Kouji?" He pulled himself up. He was looking straight at me, and he looked like a big mess.  
The old Kouji would've buckled. The old samurai Kouji would've seen the horrible condition he was in, and he'd have known immediately that having sex with Takuya would make him happy. I would've said yes. I would've let him take me to bed and use me until he couldn't move anymore.  
But I wasn't the old Kouji anymore. I said no. I couldn't, and I wouldn't keep his secret.  
"I thought so," he muttered, not at all surprised. He just leaned into me, begging for comfort, forgetting that we were still standing in the doorway and that it was three in the morning. He just hugged me, barely able to keep himself up. It felt nice to have him depend so thoroughly on me, for once, when before, I'd been completely dependent on him.  
Actually refusing him was like a right of passage for me. While I'd felt horrendous for many sleepless nights about my little plight with Takuya, the burden he'd left me with had never truly dissipated. It suddenly did. There was no unnatural attachment to Takuya, and there was no samurai inside me fighting to get out so that he could defend his lord. There was only Kouji, a raw, inexperienced person just creeping out into the world, but a real person, with real feelings, just the same. Inside of this Kouji, with all my new, unexplored feelings, I realized something else.  
I still loved Takuya. What I'd thought was just fake love brought on by a sick and twisted addiction to him was real, true, blunt love. It hurt to feel, and yet felt so, so sweet. It was pure love, untainted. I recognized something else: my sick need had abated, but the basic principle still resided in this pure feeling, and instead of just an abnormal obsession with Takuya's happiness, a strict, binding bushido code of loyalty and devotion, there was a simple love code in its place.  
The new code allowed me to help Takuya. It allowed me to try my best to make him happy, but it permitted me to have a life elsewhere in return. I was neither one extreme nor the other.

I dragged him in, and didn't say a word. I somehow managed to get the door closed, I somehow managed to get a light on, and I somehow managed to toss him onto my bed, where he sighed and forced himself to sit up, hunching over pitifully as he looked up at me.  
I sat in my computer chair, three feet away. I didn't want him to get any ideas.  
"So, tomorrow's the big day," he said in a flat, dead tone.  
I nodded, and crossed my legs and arms, waiting to hear his explanation for coming all the way out here.  
"I didn't realize you took such a long trip to see me all this time; I wasn't expecting to arrive so late."  
He was avoiding the point. I glared down at him, hard, and finally, he lost my eyes.  
"Do you hate me now?" he asked my feet rather than me, and I sighed. How could I hate him? I loved him. I just didn't really get what he was doing. Why was he still trying to see me when he was taking a wife? Why was he determined to continue a relationship with me when he should be closing himself off completely to the one person he loves enough to marry?  
He didn't like being asked these questions. He hid his face in his hands and made these horrible little sobbing sounds, and he finally got out, his voice thick with shame, sadness, and tears, "I don't want to get married."  
I looked away, giving him his space. Takuya didn't like crying in front of people, and I'd avoid looking at him until he got himself together. But he seemed determined to get out what he had to say, whether or not he was in the middle of sobbing, hic-cupping, and pouring snot and tears.  
"I'm not...I'm not ready for this kind of thing! I'm still just a kid! I don't want to marry Izumi; I mean, sure, maybe someday I'd like to, but not now! I can't stand the idea of actually being tied down to someone! And I..." He sobbed louder. "I'm ashamed to admit it, but I don't WANT this child. It's such a burden at this point in my life!"  
I was about to say something along the lines of how he should've thought of that before engaging in rampant sex with Izumi without protection, but, it seemed like bad timing.  
"Izumi...I asked Izumi, hypothetically, if she would be more comfortable with aborting the baby. I tried to ask her as if I was concerned that she didn't want it and that I wouldn't want her to be forced to have the baby if she didn't. She went nuts; she wants the baby more than anything. I have no chance of convincing her to abort it; she's already wearing things that show off her baby bump, and she can't wait to tell everyone at the reception tomorrow. What am I supposed to do? I'm only nineteen; I'm just a kid. I'm a stupid kid who made a few stupid mistakes, and now I'm practically being forced into marriage because I'm being forced into fatherhood. What am I supposed to do?!"

I had no idea Takuya had been struggling with this. He always made it out to seem like he had everything going right for him, and that he couldn't wait to have this child with his wife. He acted like he loved Izumi and this baby more than life itself.  
"I...do," he sniffled. "I love Izumi. But this is like slamming shut all these doors that I'll never be able to experience. I'm just selfish; I don't want to be tied down with a wife and child yet. _Not yet._ I want to _live _first."  
Then again...if everything was going so perfect, why else would he be coming to me, over and over again, seeking comfort?  
I was a little ashamed. I'd been so wrapped up in my own pathetic little deal that I never even guessed how trapped Takuya felt.  
And then other things popped into my mind. What if...what if he called off the wedding?  
"Now?" he sniffled. "Way, way too late. There's no way I can call it off. It's tomorrow, Kouji, _tomorrow_. Hell, it's really in just a few hours!"  
But...but what if he did? What if he called off the wedding? Izumi would be so mad at him; who knows what she'd do. Maybe it would plant the seed of doubt in her mind that maybe Takuya wasn't really her mate. Who knew what would grow from that?  
"Izumi would never do that," he said miserably. "She'd just sort of yell at me for an hour or two and sort of sulk around giving me dirty looks, and suddenly, instantly, she'd forgive me, especially if I put on a few waterworks. She's so forgiving. Even if I told her I'd been...sleeping with you, she'd forgive me, after maybe smacking me a few times and...probably after swearing at me in Italian until I'm totally freaked out. She's forgiving, but not THAT forgiving." He tried to laugh; he couldn't.  
It's that damn child. If nothing else, she would be too afraid to leave him because of the child. Like I'd been saying: the baby ruined everything.  
Takuya temporarily looked offended, maybe even shocked, and then he just sulked. "You're right. Even I called it a 'burden', and it is. If not for the child, we wouldn't even be getting married, and this wouldn't be an issue."  
And I'd still be sleeping with him. I'd still be the old, weak, fiercely loyal but extremely dependant Kouji.  
That Kouji wouldn't have been able to handle this. That old Kouji would be too sick with his obsession to have any clue how to handle this. But the current Kouji knew what had to be done, and the current Kouji understood how things had to happen. That baby has thus far done one good thing in its pitifully short existence: I was mature enough to understand. Poor Takuya, though; I wasn't sure if he was. He was right; he was still just a kid being forced to be an adult. I hoped he could handle it.

I told him what he had to do. The answer was clear. There were no ifs, ands, or buts about it.  
He had to marry Izumi. It was simply the only answer; there was no other choice. He couldn't cancel the wedding. He couldn't ask her to abort the baby. He couldn't break up with her and leave her to fend for herself with an infant. He had to take responsibility. Poor Takuya; he never was too responsible on his own. He had to be pushed; he had to have a reason. He had to be dedicated to something.  
Like I had been. Like my loyalty and devotion to him, he had to learn to exhibit that same, unfaltering, unbreakable code of love towards Izumi, his soon to be wife.  
And his child. That's what I kept pushing on him. This child, this baby, this becoming of life spawned from his seed; it was his child. He couldn't afford to be selfish when it came to his child; the baby always had to come first. Izumi was a close second, but the baby must always come first. I struggled to get him to understand; he just wept more, and whined, and complained. He didn't want any of it. Give him some useful advice, he said. How can he get OUT of fatherhood? How can he get OUT of marriage? He wanted nothing to do with it; he didn't understand the code. He didn't want to self-sacrifice anything. He wanted a magical solution that didn't involve anything like that.  
I got up from my chair.  
I walked over to him.  
I stood before him for a moment, until he finally lifted his head to look at me, and then I smacked him right in the face, as hard as I could.  
He stared dumbly up at me for a moment. Tears began twinkling in his eyes again. I started again, trying to drill it into his thick skull, even shouting a little to try and get him to understand! But he interrupted me.  
"Kouji...I don't want to marry Izumi because of you." He cleared his nose loudly; his voice was thick and uncertain. "I think...I think I love you. I love Izumi too, but I love you in a different way, and it feels really nice." Tears flowed. I refused to respond to him. "All I want to do is make love with you again."  
For no more than a second or two, I was shocked; maybe even hopeful. Then just as quickly, I didn't believe him. He'd been manipulating me ever since he found out how far I would go for him with my code, and even he admitted how well he could manipulate Izumi. I wouldn't allow him to tangle me up in his twisted little game. I tried to force him to understand again; your wife. Your child. Your _duty_. It's your duty, Takuya, to do this, not for you, but for those you love.  
The moment I said the word "duty," he seemed to perk up. "Duty" had a special meaning for him. It had been his "Duty" to risk our lives for strange Digimon. It had been his "Duty" to return to us after abandoning us while he left to the Real World. It had been his "Duty" to save the Digital World to not only avenge all of the Digimon, but to avenge me and my brother, who had given his life to protect us. His sense of duty was the only thing that was drilled into him. As he had played on my sense of honor and loyalty, I played on his call of duty.  
It was his duty to make wrongs right. He made mistakes; he could fix them. It was his duty to be selfless for his new family. It was his duty to always be there for the ones he knew he loved, not for me. He was just confused over me. His real life and love was with Izumi and his child, and that was where it should stay.  
He said he understood. His tears dried up; he responded to the way I emphasized the baby. His child, his baby, his seed, the fruit of his loins; his eyes shone for the baby. He regretted ever thinking he could want to leave the baby; he was disgusted at himself for almost becoming one of the young fathers that knock up their girlfriend and then abandon them. Izumi...he still didn't want to be married. He would prefer to not be taking a solemn vow tomorrow, but the baby made it alright, because he was sworn to it. I instilled in him his own little love code, one that would hopefully bind him to the promise he would make tomorrow.  
In a way, I almost felt like I was brainwashing him.  
What else could I do? Takuya was going to ruin his life AND Izumi's if he didn't go through with this wedding. My old code had expired, but even this one couldn't allow me to sit back and let him ruin his life. I had to do whatever it took to make him happy, even if the life ahead would make me absolutely miserable.

"Kouji?" he asked me after we'd talked for hours, just trying to sort out his life. He was calm; he hadn't cried for at least twenty minutes. I figured everything would be alright, and so I asked him what was wrong. He looked almost uncomfortable.  
"Just this once...this one, last, time, and please, I understand everything you've been trying to tell me, and I'm not regressing back into what I was an hour or two ago, but please, do me this favour? Keep a secret for me? Just one last time?"  
We were sitting across from each other, like we were just boys again. Just silly little thirteen year old boys facing each other from opposite ends of a bed, and solving the crisis of World Peace, World Hunger, and Worldwide Poverty. We had all the answers as long as we faced them head on, together.  
Before I could start on my little rant of a speech again, he started crawling into me. He looked so pitiful, so needing, and so _childish_. I'd never realized it before, but he was right; he was still a child. He was a child begging me for comfort. He was scared and afraid of this huge life change, and all he wanted was comfort.  
"Please Kouji. I'll marry Izumi tomorrow, I'll get my life back together tomorrow, and starting tomorrow, the world revolves around the baby. But...it's not tomorrow yet, Kouji. Just one more time. Please?"  
If you're a technical person, it was tomorrow. He didn't buy that.  
I wasn't going to do it. I was adamant; I was not going to practically encourage Takuya to cheat on his wife. I needed to get out of this; I started lecturing him again. Life. Wife. Baby.  
"I get it, I get it," he assured me. "But just let me be a stupid kid just one last time; please? Tomorrow I'm going to be a whole new guy; a completely different Takuya. I'll be the best father and husband I possibly can. But this one last night..."  
His lips were on mine. At first I closed my eyes, but snapped them open again. Life. Wife. Baby.  
His tongue was tracing my lips; his eyes were narrow and full of passion. Life. Wife. Baby.  
He opened his mouth, breathing his warm breath on my neck as he nuzzled into me. Life. Wife. Baby.  
"Come on, Kouji." He started pushing me into the bed. I was about to resist; mature Kouji would not allow this to happen. Mature Kouji knew the consequences.  
I told him no again. But there were limits to this code; it was responsible and mature enough to know that I should say no, but...I still loved him. And I still wanted to make love with him. I still WANTED to be the object of his desire.  
"You can keep a secret." Oh...he was...down...below me. It felt so good. Life...wife...baby. "I'll let you be on top," he promised, as if bribing me.  
Lives, wives, and babies suddenly didn't seem very interesting.  
What could I say? I was still in love with him, and I was still a kid too. Takuya had a point; he wasn't getting married until TOMORROW, and it wasn't tomorrow yet. Hell, some men went out and picked up half a dozen hookers for a "bachelor" party and got either drop-dead drunk or stoned out of their minds. Takuya and I were just making love. This was certainly better, and this time, he swore it would never happen again.  
I could keep a secret.

It was dawn when I opened my eyes, as hard as it was to do, but at least I woke up before Takuya. He was back to his old habits; he tried to sneak away a few minutes after getting himself awake. I grabbed his shoulder and pulled him back into bed in one swift motion, like a cobra striking. He looked surprised, and a little confused.  
"What gives?"  
I had to make him swear. He had to promise, promise me that this was the last time. I wanted him to look me in the eyes and never, ever think about doing this again.  
"Kouji, you don't have to worry anymore." His eyes had no spark in them. They were tired, but they had nothing in them for me. I wasn't sure whether to feel relieved, or sick. "I understand; I just wanted to get ready to go and I figured you should sleep. You don't have to be anywhere for a few hours; rest up while you can." He pulled himself out of my grasp and stood, and then tiredly stretched so far he almost fell back onto the bed. "I'll leave you directions to get to the wedding," he said in a deep yawn. "...Oh, shoot, I never told you what you should wear...Italians wear tuxedos and stuff at their weddings. Oh well...my parents are coming in traditional Japanese wear, so you can too." As he was talking, he was moving robotically around the room as though it were his own; shaving, combing his hair, getting dressed, primping; and all of it he did without looking once at me. But he talked; he talked non-stop. It seemed to keep him calm. "You just pretty much have to stand next to me and Izumi. I know that sounds kind of weird, but yeah; that's what happens. You...um..." I had a little mirror at my desk that he'd been standing at for two or three minutes, and now he was scowling at it. "This is just something silly..." He reached into his pocket; he took out a little indigo box. He tossed it at me; I caught it. "Carry that around with you until we ask you for it. That's what you do; you hold the ring."  
Takuya left a note on my desk. He kissed my forehead and smiled; he said he couldn't wait to see me there. He left.  
I knew I couldn't get back to sleep, but I plopped back into my bed anyway. I swore I wouldn't feel any regret or remorse for this; I swore.  
I promised. If Takuya would keep his promise, as he surely would, I could keep mine. This was our last secret, and there would be no more. Still, I sulked in bed for a few hours, not really crying; just sort of moping and wiping my eyes a little too often. It's not that I was upset for losing him to Izumi...I mean...I couldn't love him. You only have one true love. I knew we shouldn't have made love last night, I knew it...  
I forced myself out of bed, and I stared down at the note. I was trying to compose myself and I was going to be perfectly calm; I was going to be the ideal best man.  
...Not that I was entirely sure what that entitled. I just stand next to them? Really? That seems inappropriate. I actually give Izumi the ring? That's a little awkward. What if no one but me is wearing traditional Japanese wear? Even MORE awkward. I forced myself to laugh at my overwhelming cluelessness, and I forced myself to move on and be cheery. This was a happy day. Takuya was getting married to the love of his life. He was almost guaranteed happiness. I should be thrilled.

I had no idea what to wear; I hadn't worn a formal kimono since...well, jeesh, I don't know. I stopped by my home, or at least, the home of my parents, since I don't live there anymore, and asked if they had anything stashed away. I'd worn an appropriate kimono when my uncle had gotten married when I was sixteen, and luckily, my body hasn't really changed much since then. It was my favourite color, blue; dark blue. I felt awkward walking around in public with it on, especially since I was going to try and wear sneakers until the last possible moment, but I wanted to stop at a florist's and pick up some beautiful flowers for the bride, and an expensive candy counter for chocolate for the groom. Normally at weddings you give less material things and gifts that really mean something to the couple, but I was running on very little sleep and a whole lot of guilt, and I really didn't care. I just didn't want to show up empty handed.  
I arrived at the location three hours early; Takuya wasn't there. I wasn't worried; he's never on time, but three hours EARLY? Pssh. Izumi was there though; she wasn't quite dressed up, but she was getting ready to spend the next three hours primping. She gushed over the flowers and hugged me and kissed me like _we _were getting married; it was extremely awkward for me considering the circumstances. But I wished her well. I found some work to occupy me; last minute decorating.  
It wasn't too hard to find Orimoto-san. She was the beautiful blonde woman who was, surprisingly, rather husky, and had perfect olive skin shouting out orders in a thick, Italian accent, occasionally punctuated with random splurges I can't even begin to try and translate. It was actually extremely interesting and it took up the hours in a snap. Takuya was right; Orimoto-san was a _fiend_. I felt like I was being commanded by a general. What's more, all of the decorations were so...peculiar. Christian weddings were a pretty popular craze in Japan, but I'd never personally attended or seen one, and what made this more interesting was that this was being directed by a Catholic woman.  
At the thirty minute mark, I was getting worried. I hadn't seen Takuya yet. He wouldn't actually skip out, would he? He couldn't do that! I'd ring his neck if he did!  
...I also kind of wanted him to.  
Twenty minute mark; no Takuya. No one else was worried.  
Ten minute mark. I was still...concerned...but also still a little...hopeful. What if Takuya had really decided...?  
Twenty-three minutes after the wedding was supposed to have started, he showed up. He looked extremely uncomfortable; he was crammed in a tuxedo and, heh, I think it was making his shorts ride up on him. He was apologizing profusely for being late; he was sorry, he was nervous, he was so busy preparing he didn't look at the time...  
"_Figlio_," said Orimoto-san, and he blinked dumbly at her; obviously, he's been skipping out on his Italian lessons. It meant 'son.' "We gave you the time wrong on purpose. My daughter said you'd be late, so we nudged it up an hour and gave you an hour behind."  
"Oh."  
I laughed, uneasily; I felt like a balloon had popped inside me. Takuya immediately noticed me, and there we were for the next thirty-seven minutes, being buddies for the last time. Takuya was forced to run around greeting people, as per custom. I was happy to find out that many people were wearing kimonos and were Japanese, and was relieved to see that they were just as overwhelmed and clueless as I was, especially at the eccentric Italian woman barking out orders.

It was all very simple. Takuya and I stood there, waiting for Izumi. I was slightly off to the side; he was center. A formal looking priest stood at the alter. We were waiting forever for Izumi to appear.  
They say weddings feel like they take hours, and suddenly finish up, fast as lightning. That's not true to me; it took minutes for Izumi to suddenly appear in this beautiful, ornate white dress, complete with veil, seconds for her father to walk her down the aisle, and three minutes flat for the priest to read and read and read in some mish-mash of Italian, Japanese, and Latin. It would've been humorous if everyone didn't look so serious about it. Shinto weddings are solemn, but wow; this was _solemn_.  
"Kouji," he whispered, nodding his head. I snapped to attention; my neck hurt and my shoulders ached from standing still for much, much longer than five or ten minutes. I was being asked for the ring.  
I was a bit flustered, I guess; I didn't know who to give it to. At first I was about to give it to Izumi, and at the last second, just shoved the box in Takuya's hands. He smiled, took _two _rings out, not just one, and gave it to the priest. Apparently, the rings were supposed to be blessed first. I felt deflated again; I almost whispered something smart about how nice it was to be informed, but he was still smiling at me. So I just shuffled back to my little spot and stood there at attention for six more hours before it was finally over. The new, happy couple locked lips for forty-five minutes and the guests clapped for like two more hours.  
As you can see, my sense of time was completely disproportionate. I was trying to still be cheery; I was mature now. I wasn't pining over Takuya.

The reception was nice; there were lots of happy people there, Japanese and Italian, and a couple toasts and speeches were made, least of all being the grand speech delivered by the new bride, who announced in front of over a hundred people that she was pregnant.  
Boy, what a reaction that drew. A little anger from her parents that she knew and didn't tell them, but mostly happiness and more toasts and more laughter and loud music...and...just...happiness.  
Takuya looked so happy. He looked thrilled. He looked like he was floating on air; he couldn't stop giving Izumi those gushy looks with those warm, shimmering eyes. He was so happy.  
They fed each other cake. Takuya fed her cake twice; one for her, one for the baby. Everyone thought that deserved a loud "Awww." Takuya didn't look like a tired kid, a stupid college kid who'd made a few mistakes; he looked like what he promised to be: a new man.  
And he looked happy. That was all that mattered. Some habits die hard, I'm afraid, and I was more satisfied that Takuya was so happy than I was miserable that I wasn't.  
I left a little early; Takuya didn't seem concerned. He was having fun, and he would be for hours.  
I fell right into bed as soon as I got home; it was only eight, but I was out like a light, and didn't wake up until about seven in the morning, when Takuya informed me that they were boarding the plane for Florence.  
I wished them good luck, and I hung up. I fell asleep for five more hours. After that, I perked up. The new me wouldn't mope around like this; the new me was a serious student at Keio University. And hey; I still had that Literature paper to write.  
I recovered remarkably quickly. Even receiving an e-mail from Takuya informing me they had landed in their hotel didn't dampen my spirits; I even laughed at it. Takuya was complaining that the hotel was "raping them out the ass" with internet fees, so they wouldn't be online much. They'd already taken a few pictures. I observed, I appreciated, and then I left it alone, forgetting all about Takuya and letting him enjoy his honeymoon.  
I wished him well. I really did. Honestly. I wanted nothing but good for him and his wife. By all accounts, Takuya and I were going to split lives, and the story should end here, on a bittersweet note, where the two lovers are happily married forever after and they have a beautiful baby and we all grow up and move on with our lives.

They _were_ married happily, I'm glad to say, for four days. Takuya sent me e-mail once more after the first initial time, and then didn't bother to keep me updated after that. He was far too busy paying attention to his new bride and their honeymoon. I got a post-card; Takuya had sent it as a joke the first day they arrived, and it said, "Well, we actually haven't done anything yet, but I'm sure you'll be fascinated by the IDEA of what COULD have been in this postcard! We're in freakin' Italy, man!"  
I studied. I existed without Takuya, as I knew I would for the rest of my life. I wasn't upset; I was a little numb, but I wasn't upset. I was just happy that Takuya was happy. He had his wife, his baby, his life; he was happy. That was good enough for me.  
On the fifth day of their honeymoon, Takuya called me. I was asleep; it was the middle of the night. I didn't understand what was going on, and somehow, I thought that Takuya was calling me, asking me to keep his secret.  
But over the phone? I thought. How would that work...  
Takuya was crying. He could barely get out a single legible word; he kept blabbering and he couldn't really get to the point. I was still half asleep; I told him to get on with it.  
Izumi had awoken that night to this ripping pain in her stomach, and there was blood everywhere on the sheets. At first it frightened and alarmed them more than it was painful, and then the pain got worse, excruciating, so bad that she was sobbing by the time an ambulance arrived. Takuya was totally helpless, though he used the word "useless," because he couldn't speak fluent Italian and let Izumi rest while he gave them vital information. Izumi was forced to explain what was wrong over and over again in the middle of all this pain and terrible panic, and Takuya was left almost completely in the dark. He suspected, but he couldn't ask. Izumi chose not to say it, on purpose, in his vernacular; she didn't want him to know until it was final. She was praying that it wasn't happening.  
She told him he didn't have to stay with her; kindly, gently, she said he would just be in the way of the doctors, and that the best thing he could do was to wait until it was over. He was confused and worried out of his mind, and she was panicked and sick with fear, but she coaxed him out of there.

Hours later, now, he got to see her again. She was fine. Ten minutes ago, he'd been at Izumi's bedside, trying to calm her down as she finally burst into tears, and she told him that she'd just had a miscarriage.


End file.
